During the school holidays, there can be a lot more organising than usual. Pick-up times change, plans move around, someone needs swimming things from the other house, and sometimes it can feel easier simply to ask the children to pass a message on.
Most of us will probably have done it without giving it much thought.
“Tell Dad I’ll collect you at six.”
“Ask Mum if you can stay another night.”
“Do you know why your things weren’t packed?”
On the surface, these can sound like perfectly ordinary comments. But I often wonder what it feels like for the child who is standing in the middle of them.
A child may begin to feel responsible for making sure a message is delivered correctly, explaining why something has or hasn’t happened, or even working out which parent is upset with whom. They may start to become very careful about what they say in each home because they do not want to upset either parent.
That is quite a lot for a child to carry.
It can be helpful to imagine the situation from their point of view. When they move from one home to the other, do they feel free simply to be a child, or do they arrive carrying messages, questions or worries that really belong to the adults?
Where communication between parents is difficult, keeping things simple can help. A brief email, message, shared calendar or parenting app can provide one clear place for arrangements to be discussed without involving the children.
The same is true at handovers. Children are remarkably sensitive to tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. Even when very little is said, they often notice how the adults around them are feeling.
None of this means parents have to agree about everything or pretend that difficulties do not exist. Separation can be complicated and communication may sometimes feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps the gentler question to ask yourself is simply:
“Is this something my child needs to carry, or is it something the adults can carry for them?”
Giving children permission to move freely between both parents, without becoming the messenger, can be one of the quiet ways we help them feel safer and more secure.
